Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Top 10 Actions Tough-Guys can't do and still look Tough.

 Top 10 Actions Tough-Guys can't do and still look Tough.


10. Drink any drink with a straw and umbrella.

9. Line-dance at any time.

8. Wear pig-tails.

7. Say the word "panties" in a sentence.

6. Rollerblade.

5. Buy a fondue set or tampons (both shouldn't be done by men.)

4. Sing along with Celine Dion on the radio.

3. Cry while watching the movie "Beaches". (Also, watching the movie "Beaches.")

2. Skip with Balloons.

1. Say goodbye by yelling "Toodles!"

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Noah Burke Comedy Facebook Page Quotes



1. You know how I know I'm a tough guy!?; It's because at the gym where I put the pin in, the paint isn't chipped! #toughguythoughts #masculinesociety

2.  The middle-east must be awesome to drive in; zero Asians and women aren't allowed to drive! Oh wait, road-side bombs and check points; I'll take Asians and women.

3.  Watching the ESPYs... did they really just give the guy in a wheelchair a standing ovation? Way to rub it in jerks! Great new award though. Pat Tillman was the man! #PatTillmanaward

4.  It's so funny to see adults do fist-bumps to kids with the exploding hand. The cool kids have moved on to coke-bumps; get with times uncool adults!

5. I don't want to sound weird but they're making some sexy manikins these days. Is manikin technology getting better, or do I just need a girlfriend? #mallboners

6.  Sometimes I like to check my muscles out in the mirror; and today I stubbed my toe immediately after; I'm pretty sure that is the universe calling me a fag!
(No offense by the f-word.)

7.  I just found out that the Nazi's used tickling to torture people. That's probably the most cute thing I ever heard about the Nazis; actually, there really aren't any other cute things about them.




Monday, June 23, 2014

Noah Burke (Me) Stand-Up at American Comedy Club in 

San Diego.

 

 


 

Metal edited for Disney Radio

A man named Andy Rehfeldt takes songs from bands like Pantera, Slipknot, and Slayer and turns them into Disney-friendly versions. What you get is some feel-good, happy-sounding music comedy. WATCH these 3 below, and check him out on YouTube; he is a genius!!!



Slipknot- "Wait and Bleed"


Slayer- "Angel of Death"

 

Pantera- "Domination"


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Top 12 Comedians over 60-Years-old that made us laugh

Top 12 Comedians over 60-Years-old that made us laugh

"Hey, I guess they're right: Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose." Lloyd Christmas

 


 12. Phyllis Diller
Phyllis was best known for her eccentric stage persona and her wild hair and clothes. She retired from stand-up comedy appearances just before the age of 90; that's over 50 years of doing stand-up. Her one-liners kept the crowds rolling with laughter.









11. Jonathan Winters
 I first remember seeing Jonathan on the classic comedy Mork and Mindy. He was a pioneer of improvisational stand-up comedy with a gift for mimicry, impersonations, various personalities, and a lot of creative energy. Winters spent 8 months in a mental hospital for a nervous breakdown in 1959 and again in 1961. Instead of hiding this fact from the public, he put it in his act; a sign of  smart comedian!








10. Billy Crystal
On top of being a comedian, Billy Crystal is an American actor, voice artist, writer, film producer, director, singer and television host. I remember him doing some really funny characters and great impersonations on SNL. He has that classic New York, Jewish humor; much Like how Jon Stewart is today. I think he stall has a couple decades of comedy left in him!







9. Joan Rivers
I'm not a fan of her fashion show on E!but Joan Rivers is still making people laugh at the young age of 80. She came into the public eye when doing her stand-up act on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. These days, Joan likes to make fun of all the plastic surgery she has had, but she still finds time to make fun of other celebrities. Keep going Mrs Rivers; on the comedy, not on the plastic surgery.








8. Woody Allen
Allen began stand-up comedy in the 1960's, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comic, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, unfortunate person, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality.  We could get into the scandal surrounding Allen, but lets just sum it up by saying it is a bad idea to start dating your girlfriend's adopted Asian daughter.








7. George Burns
 Burns lived to see the 100-year-mark of his life. His signature look consisted of Burns smoking a cigar while wearing black circle-rimmed glasses. He was a singer, writer, performer, author, but his most famous act was with Gracie Allen, who later became his wife. Burns played the "straight man", while Allen said the punch-lines.  He played the role of God later in his career: fitting, he's a comedy-God now!








6. Don Rickles
Rickles is easily one of my favorite comedians. The "insult comic" from New York appeared many times on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. His stand-up act evolved when he started engaging the hecklers. He became so entertaining with this style, he could make fun of Sinatra and get away with it. He was recently honored on a Spike TV tribute show, and he's still funny with his on-liners!










5. George Carlin
Where to start?! Carlin was one of the most intelligent comedians ever. He was noted for his black comedy as well as his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects.  His "7 deadly words" routine became involved in a Supreme Court case regarding Government regulation indecent material on the public airwaves.











4. Rodney Dangerfield
"I don't get no respect!"  People recognize him from Caddyshack and Back to School, but Rodney was in the business a long time before these great comedies. He got his start on The Ed Sullivan Show and he performed on many Talk shows over the decades. He even started his own comedy club in NYC. He gets my respect as being one of the best stand-up acts ever!










3. Bill Cosby
The Bill Cosby show was one of the best sitcom's ever, but his stand-up was also revolutionary. And who can forget those great Jello Pudding commercials. His stand-up act was fairly clean; reflecting on childhood events. He chose to stay away from black/white racial humor, which a lot of other comics were doing when he first started performing. Little known fact: he was a "hospital corpsman" in the navy for 4 years.









2. Bob Hope
Bob Hope was an English-born American comedian, vaudevillian, actor, singer, dancer, author, and athlete who appeared on Broadway, in vaudeville movies, television, and on the radio. He spent decades entertaining American military personnel—he made 57 tours for the USO between 1941 and 1991. He is truly one of the classiest Icons in the history of comedy! Hope died at the age of 100.








1. Johnny Carson
Johnny's claim-to-fame was not performing stand-up, but his talk show had a lot of stand-up comedy. He performed a lot of comedic characters such as "Carnac the Magnificent," the Turban psychic. He revolutionized late night talk shows with his carefree, friendly-chat, interview style. Carson hosted The Tonight Show for 30 years. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Death Metal is for Everyone!

 

I like my death metal with angry unicorns, and little Japanese tweens; thanks for evolving Death Metal!

 

 


Sunday, June 1, 2014

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Products That Should Probably Not Hit The Market

"Celebrity Parkinson's Bobbleheads"

 Half the proceeds will be donated in the help of finding the cure for Parkinson's disease. Ok, all of the Proceeds; geeeesh!









Monday, May 12, 2014

TOP 15 SEXIEST STAND-UP COMEDIANS

TOP 15 SEXIEST STAND-UP COMEDIANS

Good-looking and funny! These comedians are worthy of your laughs and your genitals.




#15- Amy Schumer

Ok, yeah I know, she is not model-material, but this comic has got some sex appeal. She actually cleans up pretty well. Amy concedes that if she was in a cheer-leading pyramid, she'd be the base. Hey, if she was good enough for Anthony Jeselnik for a couple of days, she's good enough for me and this List!





#14- Dane Cook



Dane is truly hated in the comic world now, and he gets no respect, but I do respect that he's a good-looking dude. He is in great shape; maybe even more so these days with all the down-time. Dane's been in comedy movies such as "Employee of the Month" and "Waiting."  




#13- Chris Hardwick  


Chicks love nerds, and this guy definitely owns the title of being one. Back in the 90's, he co-hosted a show with Jenny McCarthy called "Singled Out." These days you can see Chris hosting on the shows "@Midnight" and "Talking Dead."





#12- Kevin Hart



Kevin may cum in 20 to 23 seconds, but he still pulls the chicks.    5' 2" if you like your guys short and funny, ladies. He has recently been in films such as "Grudge Match" and "Ride Along." Expect to see a lot more of this funny guy!






#11- Nikki Glaser


Nikki is all kinds of adorable. Rumor has it, she gave up drinking alcohol, but WE do not need to have beer goggles on to see this girl is hot. Nikki is 5' 9", so apparently her legs end, but they seem to go forever if you ask me. She currently has a show on MTV called "Nikki & Sara LIVE".  Watch it!






#10- John Mulaney


Yes ladies, John Mulaney is legal, (That'd be inappropriate for the list if he wasn't legal) he just looks like he is 16-years-old.  He's got some style, and he is smart (Georgetown grad.); what more do you want? Oh yeah, he's freaking hilarious: triple-threat guy. You can see him on his new show "Mulaney" on Fox.





# 9- Sarah Silverman


Sarah Silverman, she's My favorite SS since the WWII guys. Speaking of Jews... this is one cute Hebrew; oy vey! Her shtick is that she looks sweet and innocent, but the things that come out of her mouth will make your jaw drop. Her prank parody song on ex-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel, "F*@#ing Matt Damon"  is her greatest gag.






# 8- Whitney Cummings


A "Cumming" pun inserted here; how dare you? I love Whitney! She dresses down in her stand-up act so you can pay attention to her comedy, but she looks great in a dress. Whitney co-starred in the sitcom "Whitney" with #7 on the the List, Chris D'Elia. The show was cancelled, but she's at least back doing the stand-up circuit again.






# 7- Chris D'Elia


Chris D'Elia, AKA Chank Smith (rapper alias), is a Los Angeles-based stand-up comic, actor, writer, and rapper. He played the loveable boyfriend of Whitney Cummings on the sitcom "Whitney." Chris rocks the scruffy look; you know the look; a 3-day beard, greasy-looking long hair, and the appearance like he may not have showered in awhile: that look that girls absolutely love. Hence, he is on the List. 





# 6- Aisha Tyler


At first you might think, "This girl looks like a model, there is no way she's funny!"  First of all, quit assuming their is an inverse relationship between how good looking a girl comic is, and how funny she is! Have you not learned anything from this List? Beautiful girls can be funny too. Second, Aisha is one of the most talented comedians out there. She currently does the voice of Lana Kane on Archer Her Character Lana looks just like her, but cartoon-hot!






# 5- Natasha Leggero
 
Natasha is an adorable, petite, stand-up comedian of Italian descent that I can't get enough of. Her comedy career has been very versatile. She kills it in the Comedy Central Roasts, and she has so many cameo's on comedy shows they should have a filmography page. (Oh yeah, they do.) You can see Natasha doing comedy and looking sexy in a hot tub  on "Tubbin' With Tash."





# 4- Anjelah Johnson


How about the comedian who can do sketch comedy and was also a former Oakland Raiderette cheerleader?; Ya, she is making the List! Anjelah Johnson is hot as she is funny.  She gained notoriety as a cast member on MADtv (13th season) and for her spot-on impersonation of a Vietnamese nail salon employee in her stand-up act. How about we do the cheering for you now, Anjelah!





# 3- Anthony Jeselnik


Tall, dark humor, and handsome: Anthony is a cocky son-of-a-bitch and has the skills and charm to back it up. Anthony is one of the "it" comedians right now. He has wrote for "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" and the "Comedy Central Roasts."  He performed during the Donald Trump Roast and blew up soon after. You can enjoy his dark humor on "The Jeselnik Offensive" on Comedy Central.





# 2- Iliza Shlesinger


Ummm, just look left at her picture. Do I really have to say much? "Sexiest comedians" List; how about "Sexiest humans" List?!? She also has brains; Iliza graduated from college with a degree in film. Are you intimidated yet, gentleman?  Shlesinger became the first female winner of NBC's Last Comic Standing  during the show's sixth season.












# 1- Daniel Tosh


Tosh #1, why? I don't get it either, but chicks love this guy. He has a body that looks out of shape, but he's weirdly athletic; he was receding, but apparently the Propecha has worked; He's not tan or buff; He acts really gay, but pulls gorgeous women; I guess being the best comedian on tv may have something to do with it! Na-na, na-na, boo-boo, we'll just stick our heads in doo-doo: You win #1 Daniel Tosh!

Monday, May 5, 2014

Liam Lynch: "Wilkinson's Family Restaurant" commercial and "United States of Whatever"

Liam Lynch, real name William Patrick Niederst, is a punk rock/comedy rock artist from Virginia. He is definitely one of my favorite comic musicians. I could go on, but Whateva!


"United States of Whatever"



 "Wilkinson's Family Restaurant"



Funny sayings on T-shirts by Noah Burke

Why not let everyone know how much of an A-hole you are by wearing one of these shirts!

Purchase a "Morals Shmorals" T-shirt at this link:

www.ebay.com/Morals-Shmorals



Saturday, May 3, 2014

I do the "Light's Out" dance on the news

"Light's out" Dance- Shawne Merriman of the San Diego Chargers had a celebration dance after he made a QB sack or another great play. The Chargers had a rally at The House of Blues in downtown San Diego to get the fans ready for the big playoff game against the Denver Broncos. I was one of three people to get on stage and do Merriman's celebration dance.




Me on Jay Leno, ahhhhh Kinda!


 "Me on Jay Leno"- In 2004 I gave a quote in a local San Diego weekly magazine called The Reader. I give my opinion on dating girls with Big jugs and the importance of girls needing to have the ability to read.



Season 13 Episode 2825
2825 - MICHAEL MOORE, FELICITY HUFFMAN, BRUCE HORNSBY 11:34/10:34pm 11/29/04
Guests include filmmaker Michael Moore, actress Felicity Huffman and music by Bruce Hornsby. TV-14

Original version:

                                         


Aired on "Best of..." Headlines:

                                         



Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Facebook Favorite Quotes

My Favorite Facebook quotes I've posted over the years.



1. When will the guest on talk shows learn to stay seated til they get to the commercial break?!? You are not kicked off the stage; wait til they go to commercial! Have you not seen an interview on tv before? Shiiesh
I'll be ok, but c'mon now.

2. Remember growing up in class, and you had to read silently, but you'd just look around the class instead of reading; Remember that?!? Well that's why your dumb now!

3. So this valentines day I'll still be single; think I'm gonna just buy myself some sexy lingerie and chocolate.
4. I used to love cougars, but now that I'm getting older, I think I just call them peers now.
5. Thanks Martin Luther King Jr; I got to save some quarters in the meters today. Also, that whole Civil Rights thing was pretty cool too.
6. Should I get a new bed?!? I'll sleep on it.
7. You know what amuses me... the unnecessary-extreme workout guy. You know the guy; doing deltoid reps with 1 arm while holding an umbrella with the other, wearing a 25lb. chest pack & barefoot shoes; all while balancing on a medicine ball. They make me laugh. The more extreme the better the results!!!!
8. Finally own a Smartphone now; Samsung Galaxy s3. It feels like the jump from pager to cell phone, or diapers to underwear; a definite learning curve. Soon I'll get this Smartphone and underwear thing down!
9. You ever sometimes just look in the mirror and think "Fuck yeah!"?

10. Who do I talk to about starting a new HOLIDAY? How about we start a "RETURN YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS SHIT BACK DAY!" I'M NOT REFERRING TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR, but a lot of stuff just seems to disappear! Who's with me?

11. Harder person to say "No" to: Homeless guy asking for change or to girl scouts selling cookies?
I've been dealing with both a lot this month. I think I'm gonna just buy the cookies and give them to the homeless; everyone is happy! Samoas #1, by the way.

12. You never see Zombies drink water; just eating people. How do they stay hydrated??? I'm calling bullshit!...My concerns on a Monday.

13. You know what Facebook needs, pictures of girls with their hand on their hip! I wish someone would spread the word about that,
14. Why does a sandwich taste better when you cut it diagonally? What is the science behind that?
15. SO EXCITED; Just started a new toothbrush today. Isn't that the best!?! Well, some of you are probably like "Hey, what about crack-cocaine?" Well valid point, but I'm trying to illustrate a metaphorical picture here!
16. Ha, apparently they found Noah's ark! I new my name would be #1 on Google search someday:) What if they discover that he wasn't trying to save animals from the flood, but he was actually just a big bestiality enthusiast? OH NO!

17. I hate when people say "Real men wear pink." Like it means the guy is more in touch with his feminine side; which, Ironically, somehow makes him more of a man?! I'm not wearing pink. I won't even wear salmon!